It's incredibly difficult to do anything at all when all I really want is to not be alive.

By the way, I really appreciate your questions. It makes me feel like someone actually cares. Please ask me anything you want, anything!

I am so frustrated with all of this. Bev- my therapist thinks that all this shit is increasing because of all that is going on. My mom is doing everything she can to contact me and I'm getting text's from my dad and the wedding was recently, even if I didn't go (bev put me in the hospital so i'd have a good excuse not to go). Then the wedding shower which my friend got sick so I had another excuse but they came up here to bring a tv, i told them I had a tv.. whatever I had Chris here, a guy I know and my dad was pissed and angry that the furniture is in the middle of the room covering the SLUT in the fucking carpet.

I'm loosing time and these headaches, I can't stand it. I don't want to have this. Bev says a big problem is me not wanting to accept this diagnosis and not wanting my parts. She says they will get defensive or act out, which they have been doing. I don't want this though. I hate them, they fuck everything up. Unfortunately until I accept the parts, am gentle, and listen, everyone is going to do their own thing. Now how crazy does that sound.

Maybe I'm making all this up. What is i'm just completely psychotic? I don't know but today was a mess. I don't know where to start because like I keep saying I don't want this, I don't want them. I want to have a life, I want to be able to live. All my friends are graduated or close and getting into careers and having families and i'm here stuck in fucking minnesota having to refocus literally every single second of the day. The nightmares, the flashbacks. why why why i don't want it!!

I am starting to agree with one of the parts more and more. I really feel i've done such horrible things and I do deserve to die. Technically, I really don't, but i'm saying even by standards of being loved unconditionally by God... I just don't think that applies to me.

I've been looking at bridges and trying to figure out how tall they are. Apparently there is a famous "suicide" bridge here.

Then there is the part that is so thankful. She wants to live her life for Jesus and help others so much she is willing to endure whatever pain.

I'm having a whole lot of trouble with part agreeing. I hate it. It's so frustrating. I'm hesitant to talk about it for fear that people will read this and I don't know what they will think, but again- who cares.


There is Stacey who is a total bitch. She is very dominant and thinks bev is trying to ruin my life, that I don't know what I'm talking about, and that we all need to listen to dad. We think she's around her teen years.

Lilly is a scared little girl, really hesitant to talk. She is the one that took over at the movie theater-which turned out to be really bad. She likes to be curled up under blankets. My friend said she has really sad eyes and hardly communicates.

Paulina is like stacy but does not swear as much and is a little nicer. Still defends dad
(in fact most of them defend dad)

Ashley is young and very obedient

Jennifer is between 6-11- don't know much yet

Christina is about 5 and does inappropriate things

i forgot the boy's name but he draws bad pictures and is little

there is one who is pre-verbal and there are other little ones too scared to come out but hold horrible memories from me-which is nice of them

those are all the ones so far. there may be more but they are very good at acting like me and other people cannot really recognize that is is another part unless they pay really close attention to voice, habits, and doing out of character things. Even then they are still very good at acting like me. My aunt referred to a time that I tried to jump off her banister because I thought I could fly..

It's scary when I loose time because they take over and I have no recollection of what happened. Like I'll find myself somewhere and don't know how I got there or find stuff i don't remember buying and would never buy or can't remember hours of the day. The worst part are the headaches and migraines I get because switching is really hard on the brain.

I'm trying to keep other parts from writing in here but it may not happen now that i've talked about them and they may get angry. I know this makes me sound completely nuts.

I've been gone for a while... a bit too long to really update on everything that has happened, but I have decided that I need to really write about this in particular. I'm afraid that some will read this and think i'm crazy or lying but I really don't care right now.

I have Dissociative Identity Disorder. It used to be called Multiple Personality and because of the popular movies and books, it has been dramatized and there are a whole lot of people who don't believe in it. It is in the DSM IV though and there are a lot of people and doctors who know it is very real. It is extremely rare, you could say the rarest psychological diagnosis. It is developed in childhood and can continue into adulthood if the abuse is still happening. It is only found in people who have survived extreme abuse and torture. Not every child who is severely abused developed DID. There is still a lot of research to be done, as with any disorder, but even more so because it is so rare. A lot of people who have DID can function normally and do not need treatment but most cases do need intense therapy.

What happens is that a child can make it so the abuse is not happening to them, that it is happening to someone else. That part then takes over when the abuse happens. When it becomes too difficult for that part, then another part is formed. Different parts are created for different survival reasons and even tasks. This can be pretty convenient and also can also be very disrupting.

The different parts are parts of the entire person. However since the parts are created for specific purposes, the parts can be different ages, ways of talking,habits, energetic vs fatigue, sexes, nationality, and other things as well.

I wanted to warn the people who read this in case it gets really confusing, and it will. I even get really confused. I am open to any and all questions

well the engagement party is next Saturday and it's about 3 hours from me. It would have been nice if I could drive to the party and come back the same day.. well the day before there is a birthday celebration for my cousin. Which means everyone will have a hotel and my dad would make me stay in his hotel room. I don't know what to do, i'm stuck. To make things worse, he is insisting he needs to drop some stuff off at my apartment.
HE DOES NOT NEED TO COME HERE.
i'm not strong enough to stand up. I'm falling asleep while i'm typing so i'll write later. Why can't I just have fun nice happy things to journal about?

I haven't vacuumed in a while, quite honestly because I don't give a shit. I started to vacuum and saw the letter S and then the L and I stopped. I thought I got rid of it. These reminders are stabbing me. I'm probably going to have to get an area rug... but that just makes me feel like i'm hiding more of my life. I'm sick of hiding. I'm sick of not wanting a bed frame because it's easier to tie me to the bed, I'm tired of not being able to use some kitchen items without having a flashback or feeling sick, and not buying a mirror so he can’t make me watch.
What is the meaning in all this pain, what is the purpose? He makes me feel like I deserve it. I want to tear things apart and shatter them across his face. But I don’t
I don't have anyone

I'm about an inch from giving up. I can't deal with this anymore. My therapist dosn't beleive me and I missed my doctor's appointment and I just don't deserve any of this. I feel like shit.